Every year, several times a year, for every feast/holiday I collect all my books and search out whatever feast/holiday it is. This year, for Rosh Hashanah, it was no different. I am always amazed by what I find. Every year I learn something new, something I did not know the year before. Every year, I feel HaShem has felt I was ready to move on and learn more.
Just during this summer, I lost some important people to me. Before their passing, I tried to “make a deal” with HaShem. “If I do something, will you spare them?” After they passed, I felt let down, I felt as though I did something wrong or did not do the “right” things. Was there anything I could have done differently to help them? Something I could have done to prevent this outcome? I did everything I thought I needed to do and still ended with an outcome I tried desperately to avoid.
It was an experience no one should ever have to go through, but for some reason, HaShem felt I was strong enough to walk through this time. I felt like HaShem was wrong, I failed. I mean, I begged and pleaded, and I was willing to make deals with HaShem. I mean I was faithful in my prayers, and I found myself in a place my prayers just were not enough.
As I stood there, watching my loved one take her last breath, my heart shattered. I could not save her. I could not do anything of my own strength to heal or protect her. She passed within 24 hours of him. I had to make a decision no one should ever have to make. I was not alone, but I felt so alone. Everything from that point was just a blur. Everything just started spinning faster and faster. When they say you
just go into auto pilot, you seriously do. Then...when you least expect it, reality hits. You feel as though you have been so busy, you have not had a chance to connect. You pick up the phone to call them, then realize...you cannot.
Now, here I am, reflecting on all the time that just seemed to have disappeared. The time before the hospital, in the hospital and after the hospital. Then, flashes of THAT day flood through my thoughts and I find myself alone again, grieving. I play everything over repeatedly in my head. During this time, I remember the prayers I prayed. I searched and searched for any kind of prayer I could pray. I asked others for prayer. I then realized what I did. Now questions flood my thoughts. Was that a true vow on my part? Am I to hold true to my vow now? What do I do now? How can I fix this? Simple, I cannot. Now I must hold on to my word and do as I say I would.
I felt trapped. I am a person of my word. I will do my best to not lie and hold true to my word. I struggled with this vow I made. I said something I should have never said and, in the presence of HaShem and the one who passed. I made this vow out of desperation for these people who I was losing right in front of my face.
Now, here I am, it is Rosh Hashana, and I am going through the prayers. Thinking of who I need to “fix” my mistakes with. Ask for forgiveness and do my best to make sure my name stays in the book of life, the book of Blessings. As my husband was doing his prayers, he found this small prayer in the Rosh Hashana Machzor, that I may need to pray for myself. He showed me and I felt something stirring inside me when I read those words. It was a prayer, specifically for those who may have made vows during the year. Of course, the answer to my prayer is simply another prayer with a sincere heart. You are to say this prayer in front of 3 Jewish men, three times. Tears flooded my eyes as I sat there saying this prayer. It was a prayer that relieves you from vows you may have made intentionally and unintentionally (like in your sleep). This was the answer to my prayers. After I prayed this prayer, my eyes filled with tears again. As the tears rolled down my face, this weight lifted. I was free from my vow, and I physically felt it.
My point is simple, Judaism may be full of rules and somedays, you can feel overwhelmed with life, but HaShem is faithful. If you search, you will find. If you pray, answers will appear. I still do not understand why the passing, but I know without a doubt, that what I experienced was for me to grow through. For me to learn through and for me to share.
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